On December 21st 2012, I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bipolar type after a mania episode that lasted nearly six weeks. 

It wasn't the first time i had been hearing voices or having visions, but it was the first time that it felt very urgent, scary, and as though i (and all of humanity) were acutely preparing to die. i was visiting my partners family near the gulf coast at the time and i was rounding up the family for what i sensed was going to be a "great flood" about to wipe us all out just a few miles from the water near Dickinson, TX. i couldn't sleep for weeks and my partner and his family were at a loss about what to do with me or how to help. 

I was crying, scared, and desperately trying to warn them all what was about to happen to us. they insisted i was safe and protected and they offered me to take a bath to help calm down. in those moments sitting in the few inches of water beneath me in the tub, i was flooded with visions of the history of the world rapidly in succession one after another. images that are beautiful, stunning, horrifying, divine, and more. my heart was racing and all of my senses were exploding off of the charts. 

It felt like an entire galaxy tapped into my mind and body to a volume and intensity i had never experienced before. it was my first moments of true madness. holding onto the profoundness of such a supernatural experience in the face of what we now know would be social suicide and a forfeit of our sanity and credibility if i ever used the wrong words to describe what i was experiencing. aliens, demons, angels, deities, and other archetypal beings were having an all out war in my perceptual domain. some were projecting my deepest insecurities while others were there to soften the blow of ego death with the purest love, compassion, and acceptance i have ever experienced. i am not alone in my reality, and that ontological shock is what most people see as paranoia or the suspicion that is branded as the disease. 

The Journey to Self-Acceptance

Fast forward to summer of 2023. you went through a decade or more of medication and therapy and have finally accepted yourself as diseased, dysfunctional, and a recovering loony. a genetically disordered sick person, if you will. meanwhile, you managed to walk the neurotypical walk SO good, that you snuck your way through a counseling graduate program. 

All of the sudden i scroll across a news story showing a congressional hearing and the caption at the bottom reads, "U.S. recovered non-human 'biologics' from UFO crash sites, former intel official says". it immediately stood out to me because it wasn't from the Conspiracy Times but rather a widely known national public news platform. i couldn't tell you if my heart stopped or if it was beating so fast that it felt like it was standing still. three very credible white men in high ranking military and intelligence positions were giving their personal accounts of encounters with UAPs or Unidentified Aerial Phenomena. they were also talking about a decades long crash retrieval programs funded by and reverse engineered by the US government. this was as close to aliens showing up on the white house lawn as it gets and this FUCKED ME UP. 

All this to say, delusions are very cultural in context and it's important that we keep this in mind as the science community pushes for UAP disclosure and research and likewise mental health becomes decolonized. is it fair to say someone is delusional because they see apocalyptic images daily? is that so delusional anymore now that were this far along in the climate crisis? is it delusional to think that the government is watching us? is that really delusional thinking anymore now that Snowden did his thing? is it delusional to think that UAP technology could alleviate us from fossil fuels and that would be a very logical reason to cover it up? i don't know! but maybe we should leave each other some room for uncertainty and compassion as the future unfolds. 

Embracing Uncertainty and Advocacy

For now i am here for my other voice hearing people and i am continuing my work in climate activism. at the end of the day, it's not whose perception is politicized, but it's about what psychosocial information is being communicated by others' psychological distress. what does our pain and hurt have to teach us? how can we hold the bizarre and unbelievable with curiosity and humility? what does it mean to be called crazy in a crazy world?